I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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