The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
