i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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