Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
