you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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