My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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