The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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