Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
