I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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