My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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