I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
