Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
