Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
