I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
