I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
