toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
