One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
