She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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