he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
