i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
