So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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