I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
