Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
