Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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