Swine flu. Run for my life!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
