i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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