when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My vagina is officially offended.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
