Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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