even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
