Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
