Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
