You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
