what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
