I wannas sexs uuuuu
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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