That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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