In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
