I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
