remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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