I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
