only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm getting married
To pizza
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
