Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
