I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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