I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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