What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
