apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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