I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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