I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
