I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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