I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Two words: blizzard sex
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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