I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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